This will evoke mixed feelings, but having been involved in child development for a very long time, I can say that in some cases it is acceptable to carefully and very thoughtfully "spank" your child. Spanking should never be performed out of frustration or anger on your part. There should also always be a delay (at least a short one) between the incident and the spanking so as to allow some processing both for you and your child and to decide if it is right and then for them to internalize the punishment that is about to come. Additionally, spanking, in my opinion and experience, should only be performed when your child had injured someone since injury is something that they cannot restore or pay back. No matter the age, they must be made to understand the reason for such an action of spanking in connection with their action. I would caution, again, that spanking should only be utilized when there is no other restitution possible such as when they are harming another individual. I do not know of any states that directly outlaw such an action by parents, but if there are such laws, obey your laws.

Having said this, I would also tell you that you MUST only spank after you have:

0. Make sure your child knows here is this consequence if they injure someone. Let them know there is a consequence! Do not let them think that arbitrary punishments or retribution occurs. This will do more harm than good if you do not set the expectations. It's not entirely possible to always do this the first time or with very, very small children (such as a two year old that has a biting problem as an example and which is very damaging behavior).

1. Explained what is about to happen carefully and fully.

2. Only spank once or a couple of times in a very controlled and sterile manner. Do NOT get emotionally involved in the spanking except to feel bad that you are doing it. DO NOT SPANK IF YOU ARE ANGRY. DON'T DO IT. NEVER.

3. After the spanking show your child MORE love and care. Give them high levels of tenderness and show them that it hurt you to execute this punishment. If you can cry with them, CRY WITH THEM. This is very important to show forth more love after the punishment and by doing this you will actually improve your bond with your child and allow them to know that you harbor no ill will against them.

4. Remind them in the future about the consequences that will occur if they choose to harm someone else as they have done.

5. Always show your child love and always let them know you suffer when they suffer now and always. Learn empathy and if you cannot have it, then show sympathy and love them anyway even if you cannot feel such things yourself.

I'm reminded of this:

https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/03/13/6855333...

Actual punishment, actually.

Hitting is acceptable, just not for everyone. Get him to some martial arts instructor.

Home school for a year

Have you heard of I Can Problem Solve (ICPS)?

There are four rungs of a "ladder" where we want to get to the top, problem-solving. In descending order, we get explanations (if..that), suggestions ("Tell her you're sorry."), and power (the bottom rung): "Go to time-out!"

Cover of such a book: https://openlibrary.org/books/OL27073744M/I_Can_Problem_Solv...

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Five basic principles, applicable to children as young as age 4, underlie the dialoguing process. The only prerequisite is that children understand the basic word concepts used by the adult. Relatively consistent application of these principles in time helps children associate their newly acquired thinking skills with what they do and how they behave.

First, both child and teacher must identify the problem. Casually saying, "What happened?"; "What's the matter?" or "Tell me about it" not only helps the child clarify the problem but also ensures that you will not jump to a faulty conclusion about what is going on. For example, "Oh, now I see what the problem is. I thought you were mad because your friend took your truck. Now I see it's because she played with it too long and won't give it back." Discovering the child's view of the problem starts the dialoguing process on the proper course.

Second, when dialoguing, it is important to understand and deal with the real problem. The child in the preceding example thinks he has already shared his truck with his friend, but the teacher may see this child grab the truck and erroneously assume that grabbing is the problem. Actually, grabbing is the child's solution to the problem of getting his truck back, not the problem itself. The real problem is that the child wants his truck back.

Third, once the real problem has been identified, the teacher must not alter it to fit his or her own needs. Suppose that the teacher becomes intention showing the child in the example how to share his toys. Because the child is thinking only about how to get back a toy he knows he has already shared, the teacher's guidance will likely lead to resistance. In this case, attempting to teach the "right" thing to do may backfire.

Fourth, the child, not the teacher, must solve the problem. If the child is to develop the habit of thinking of his own solutions to problems and considering the potential consequences of his actions, he must be encouraged to think for himself. More than simply "listening" to the child, the teacher must actively draw out what the child thinks caused the problem, how he and others feel about the situation, his ideas about how to solve the difficulty, and what he thinks might happen if he were to put those ideas into action. In highlighting the child's thinking, the teacher does not offer solutions to the problem or suggest what might happen next. When not bombarded with "don'ts" or offered a stream of "do's," the child is freed to think through the problem and decide for himself what and what not to do. The teacher only asks questions and, through these, guides and encourages the emergence of problem-solving thinking.

Finally, the focus is on how the child thinks, not on what he thinks (in other words, the specific conclusions he comes to). Research on the ICPS program suggests that the process of a child's thinking is more important in the long run than the content of a specific solution. Attention is therefore focused on developing a style of thinking that will help the child deal with interpersonal problems in general, not on solving the immediate problem to the teacher's satisfaction (although this often occurs). Praising a solution may inhibit further thought about other ideas. Criticizing a solution may inhibit the child's speaking freely about what is on his mind. In either case, the child's thinking will shift from generating options, consequences, and causes to selecting the one thing that meets with teacher approval. In applying these principles, the teacher transmits to the child the value judgment that thinking is important, and the child learns that thinking meets with adult approval.

When Not to Dialogue

It is not possible or even necessary to dialogue every problem that comes up. In fact, there are times when dialoguing is not effective and its use is better postponed. Clearly, if a child has been or is likely to be physically harmed, your first priority is to help by removing the child from danger.

Hey, I’m a parent of a child with severe Tourettes and ADHd. I just thought I’d share my 2c worth:

While all kids struggle with disinhibition, it sounds like your child might have a harder time with inhibiting unwanted behaviours (so struggling with disinhibition). This is actually quite common in a lot of children, and nothing to be too concern about, although if it’s disruptive to his own education and opportunities for socialising with other kids, you will need some form of extra support. Your child is not naughty or bad on purpose, rather, a better way to frame it is their nervous system might be a bit more reactive and a little bit more impulsive that some other kids. Understanding that can help inform better strategies for managing it.

My main question is, is your child showing any signs of trying to regulate himself already that you can leverage? It took me a while to realise that my son was regulating in ways I wasn’t recognising because I didn’t understand his struggle. An example was that for a while he had a tic where every time he picked up a pen he had the urge to throw it at a wall. So he stopped using pens. The school panicked and tried to say he was autistic and regressing. But once someone eventually asked him why he wouldn’t hold a pen, he just told us, it was because he didn’t want to throw them. Once they realise that, they gave him a computer to type with instead. So looking for the ways he may be already regulating himself that might not make sense to you but make sense to him will also start to help you understand what is driving the behaviours.

Another point I want to make though is that mainstream school is genuinely a very damaging place for kids who struggle with behaviour/conduct issues/disinhibition. Schools isolate these children, and they ostracise them, thereby sabotaging the child’s access to equitable education, limiting the opportunities to form healthy friendships with peers and destroying their self-esteem, basically effectively reinforcing antisocial behaviours. I think if you have the resources you should consider alternative schooling options like Montessori type schools, private schools, private tutoring, or even home schooling.

I can guarantee your child is probably an incredibly creative, wonderful person with so much potential, but he’s probably just wired slightly different. Schools don’t foster creativity, they foster uniformity, they don’t foster curiosity, they foster reciting of facts unquestioningly. Western schooling systems also teach people to mindlessly follow authority without questioning it, which also has its repercussions. Your child is probably not the real issue when they’re at school. School will be the issue. Schools/teachers often know very little about paediatric brain development and behaviour. They treat children like mini-adults. Furthermore, teachers are often incredibly overworked under-resourced and underpaid. Even when they want to do better for each individual child, they are not equipped to.

My final piece of advice is that no matter how deeply frustrating the behaviours continue to manage your child’s behaviour with firm but fair boundaries, lots of love and reassurance that they are loved, lots of reassurance that they’re intelligent and full of potential, and a great deal of patience.

He will naturally grow out of a lot this behaviour. It’s his self-esteem and self efficacy you want to protect a long the way.