“Tax compliance is essential to democracy,” said Janet Freeburn, spokesperson for the IRS Transactional Integrity Initiative, which monitors apps like Venmo, PayPal, and Cash App for “suspicious” activity over $600. “If you're splitting brunch and write ‘[fire] vibes,’ we need to verify that’s not international money laundering.”
Meanwhile, Congress quietly passed a $886 billion defense budget, which includes:
$170 billion in weapons upgrades for allies and classified allies,
$38 billion for nuclear arsenal “modernization,”
“And $2.4 million for Air Force ‘Mindgym’ relaxation pods—mirrored, LED-lit cocoons installed on bases and abroad—designed to help stressed pilots ‘relax’ in what one staffer called ‘more Disney ride than clinical studio’.”
At the same time, citizens were urged to:
Cut back on red meat,
Take shorter showers,
Diet and exercise out of obesity,
Recycle plastics — even though 91% of plastic in the U.S. still ends up in landfills or oceans,
And “do your part” for the climate, even as the government continues to issue new oil and gas permits on federal land.
“We’re tackling the obesity epidemic together,” said White House Wellness Czar Kera Foam. “But mostly you. You should consider skipping dessert — even though we put high-fructose corn syrup in 74% of supermarket items.”
Critics noted that while individuals are shamed or fined for using plastic straws or grocery bags, and restaurants are banned from offering them without a formal request, companies like Coca-Cola still produce over 100 billion plastic bottles per year — and are somehow listed as “strategic partners” in UN climate pledges.
“We need to start somewhere,” said Environmental Policy Liaison Kendra Meltz, while sipping a Diet Coke from a 20 oz bottle wrapped in shrink plastic and packed in a non-recyclable multipack tray. She adjusted her polyester blazer — which, like most synthetic clothing, would soon shed microplastics into the water supply during its next wash. “Banning straws sends a message. And that message is: ‘Don’t bother the real polluters.’”
Water use also remains under scrutiny:
California residents are being fined for watering lawns during a drought,
While pistachio and almond growers in the Central Valley consume over 1 trillion gallons of water per year, thanks to agribusiness subsidies and loopholes.
“We all need to make sacrifices,” said Governor Wint Hartman, sipping a $17 pistachio milkshake at a climate conference sponsored by Chevron and Nestlé.
The USDA confirmed that filming inside factory farms remains illegal in many states, while AI-powered surveillance is now used to detect who is placing “unauthorized” waste in the wrong bin at apartment buildings.
Meanwhile, the Department of Health launched its new campaign:
“Live Better, Blame Yourself™” Which includes:
Subsidized Fitbit rentals for low-income workers,
Biometric challenges to earn carbon credits,
And personalized meal plans reminding users that they could reverse heart disease — if they simply stopped eating everything sold within 10 miles of their neighborhood.
When asked why Snapple can still sell iced tea in 40 different unrecyclable bottle types while citizens are told to “reduce packaging,” one EPA official sighed:
“There’s just no way to regulate that without upsetting shareholders. And some of them are senators.”
At press time, Congress approved another $114 billion emergency allocation for “unforeseen military resilience upgrades,” while simultaneously rejecting a $4 billion request to replace lead pipes in schools.
Officials also unveiled a new digital “Civic Duty Dashboard™”, where citizens can:
Track their carbon score,
Report neighbors for improper composting,
And explain why they transferred $612 for “groceries and chill” in early 2025.
“This is what freedom looks like,” said Press Secretary Dana Circletime. “A trillion-dollar deficit, two completely unavoidable wars, completely unavoidable plastic pollution, unavoidable water shortages, and factory farms we’re legally not allowed to talk about.”
At press time, officials confirmed that MRSA was spreading again due to antibiotic overuse in livestock, as citizens were once again urged to maintain social distance, wash their hands, and avoid questioning the meat supply chain.