So I got an OpenWrt One router, at first only thinking "I'd rather have a more open, configurable platform than depend on BigCorp"...
...but once I received it, I realized I could give a local agent SSH access to it and let it go to work optimizing, securing and generally interpreting my network and its traffic. And, of course, now I can configure anything via English.
Unbelievable game changer. Get one yesterday.
(No relationship to OpenWrt, whatsoever, btw.)