That's my age. If I read the rest of that blog maybe it would tell me what brought her to this brink.
My mother was in her late 60s when we were called down to Niceville, Florida when her end was near. This was 1995. Her pancreatic cancer had been confirmed by biopsy only days before, but she was already deeply in liver failure. She didn't want to die in a hospital, but hurricane Opal was bearing down as we arrived, so we all had to bundle ourselves in the cars and crawl up to Crestview to weather the storm at the hospital there. The condo survived with only minor damage so this may have been a mistake. We did get her back to watch the dolphins on Boggy Bayou before the end; I hope she was able to see them.
Shes kind of an e-girl so I guess it makes sense in a way.
Well written article!
Still a worthwhile read.
“Each passing minute is a greater percentage of the final minutes we have,” and yet “these [final] seconds are so soft”.
Death needs to die, some future dying day, not yet.
from everyone who’s had a mom, we join you: “Momma, I love you”.
We are busy people but no matter how we try, we cannot bring people back. We cannot make some things different. I think about that a lot. Even coming from a family of abuse and trauma that needed a decade of counseling and healing, I still feel sad they may not be there much longer.
Thank you for a reminder. Thank you for sharing your personal story.
Wondering how you found a way to spend time with them and if you openly speaking about the limited time left and the past with them?
The best thing my therapist told me was to cut off contact. I did. And I’ve never been happier. I’ve got my own family now. We live with love, not fear. We tell the truth. We don’t play mind games.
If my parents ever want to make peace, they’ll have to admit they were dishonest and tried to control me. But they won’t. They still say they did what they thought was best.
For me, I just look forward to the day I stop thinking about them, or the day I hear they’ve passed.
Having kids it would break my heart if they would cancel the contact - but at the end if parents can’t admit mistakes maybe as Christian they have not learned humility and asking for forgiveness- alao something is see my parents struggling. I am willing to forgive and forget - but I still see a same extreme conviction that what they do is all correct and they way to live in faith.
PS: Edit - I just saw you wrote: Love not fear! Thats so powerful- fear was the best description of our education as well and I am so sad about this… why did it has to come that far?!
Thanks for sharing what must be difficult to share.
There's one element that is missing from the story, namely what the consequences of the mother's religious belief system means for how the story continues from the mother's own view (a new beginning) versus the daughter's atheist view (the end of the person, full stop).
Happy Third Advent to those that celebrate it!
decimalenough•1mo ago
https://aella.substack.com/p/the-joy-is-not-optional
rutierut•1mo ago
NeutralForest•1mo ago
ArnoVW•1mo ago
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For example: once, when I was eight years old, I’d done something wrong that warranted a spanking. My dad commanded me ‘come here.’ I hesitated, building up my willpower, before complying. He spanked me and let me go as I sobbed. He then said “You hesitated. That’s disobedience - come here to get another one.”
At this point I was in a lot of pain, and the effort it took to voluntarily subject myself to another one was now way more. It took me a few moments before I could force myself to approach again. He spanked me again, let me go, and as I sobbed, he told me again that I had hesitated, that this was disobedience, and that it warranted another.
By this point I was in even more pain, and it took even greater effort to overcome my body’s desire to flee or fight. And so again, there was a few second delay. And so he did it again.
He did again eleven times. And when he told me the twelfth time to approach, something in me completely broke. It didn’t matter that my body was now in overwhelming agony - possibly the greatest pain I’ve experienced in my life - the only way to make it stop was to abandon my will entirely, to become a mindless obedience creature that would walk straight into the fire instantly when commanded. So I did, he spanked me one last time, and then he stopped.
BeFlatXIII•1mo ago
newdee•1mo ago
selcuka•1mo ago
It's similar to requiring an eye test before one can get a driver's licence.
newdee•1mo ago
The outcome of what’s being suggested comes with all the same issues and evils of genetic eugenics. Think of how fucked up things would have to get to even police and enforce such a nightmarish system. It’s absurd.
selcuka•1mo ago
By the way, everything is a privilege in a modern society governed by laws. The state has the power to take children away from abusive parents. Do we think that's also a violation of a basic human right? Why not?
didgeoridoo•1mo ago
selcuka•1mo ago
> I ultimately came to terms with my childhood by viewing it as correct. Not in the sense that I would do it to my children, or that it’s ethical by my lights, but rather that it makes sense, it belongs here. My dad was abused when he was a child and probably has NPD; my mom loved us and tried very hard but was misguided in how to show it.
pfdietz•1mo ago
duxup•1mo ago
I always assume humans, even those abused, still have those same experiences, and even positive connections to family even within the cloud of abuse ... it makes things confusing for the rest of us I think but I think humans are driven to find those bits of connection regardless how our parents behave.