Very well written title though.
https://www.ft.com/content/db5bb7a8-f7f3-4953-9c8f-870073943...
The writing style...
quickly loses it's luster.
After you make it past the title.
The post is eloquently written, and if it inspires people to take a little time for themselves the world will be a little of a better place because of it. And posting it makes the author a little vulnerable; I’d much rather people write posts like this than self-censor because they’d be exposed to ridicule.
Except the dog thing. PLEASE do not bring your dog into a cafe. Somehow people like me are in the minority though so I will stop here.
And a gym like la fitness is 30/mo
Personally, I prefer to walk/hike but I understand that isn't enough for everyone.
That many/most people don't really utilize their gym memberships is a separate issue from some people getting value out of them. You seemed to be arguing that gym memberships in general are stupid for anyone.
It really depends on what kind of workouts you're talking about and what your constraints are outside the gym. Though I acknowledge many people are just on autopilot, get gym memberships they won't really use effectively, and waste their time and money.
I think the important part is leaving your phone and other devices home. Be alone, without even a possibility of connecting (apart from the old-fashione way of talking to an actual human being). People used to do this y’know? Back then.
The annoying part is that this becomes increasingly difficult to impossible. For example, I can't use public transport without my phone anymore, because my ticket is bound to my phone and the provider does not issue paper tickets or smartcards anymore.
Less severe but equally frustrating, many restaurants choose to use QR codes for menus rather than printing them onto a sheet of paper or writing them to the wall.
I love leaving my phone behind, primarily because I am in the "we're entertaining ourselves to death" crowd considering I essentially grew up with mobile phones already. But our environment is increasingly build on the assumption that we carry a smartphone with us at any given time.
My kid got sick at daycare one time when I was over an hour away. They just had to stay there while I worked my way back.
It happens, and it is handled normally.
When we looked at in-home child care, one of the options was a nanny who would care for kids even when the kids were sick. So I'm sure the rapid-pickup-of-sick-kids policy isn't universal. However, our day care had that policy and we made sure we knew who was "on-call" to get kids when important meetings or work travel impacted our availability.
but i am genuinely glad for people who find that level of self-control readily accessible, that's just not me.
There's some interesting implications around the "default mode network" that's worth thinking about, and the sort of world we might be inadvertently bending toward [building] when everyone is constantly struggling to engage internal control mechanisms and depleting their ability to do other unconscious sorts of processing: https://archive.is/fYqtB
I've personally struggled with adherence to my reduce screen time goals and while exercising more self control has helped, making active choices about my environment did help a lot more. And I like it that way, and I hate to see these choices be torpedoed all the time
To quote the Gorillaz:
> That's a fallacy
Self-control is not a "have it or don't" thing. It can be developed and exercised, often simply by trying and failing, and then trying again (like any exercise!).
I'm not saying it's not harder for some people than others. I'm also not saying that it isn't harder to exercise on some circumstances than others. However, it's absolutely not a binary thing, and it is achievable, in some form, for anyone.
I think people need to really lighten up sometimes.
Am I supposed to get upset with what they choose? I'm not saying I would leave. I'm saying I would stay and let someone else pick something for me to eat.
Their marketing is geared towards the p*rnography addiction crowd but from my own experience, it works equally well for those easily distracted by screens (I have ADHD).
Parental controls are underrated.
Ours do the same but I just ask and are normally happy to talk. Personally I think the staff enjoy it as they get a few minutes of talk time rather than rush rush next order.
There is no need to leave it behind, just having the right usage control over it would suffice.
At least I need my apple watch with cellular enabled so I can dial myself in.
This is so true! Surprised how many commenters are saying "just have self control" etc - a phone is close to essential for a lot of services in a city.
I'd be super interested in tips people have to avoid the psychological impact phones have when they do have to take them with them. A lot of phones have "relax" or "do not disturb" modes - curious if that actually works for anyone?
No brand new iphone or new macbook means poverty which is usually not cool.
It blows peoples minds if you read a book. Not a college textbook but something for fun. Homeless people don't read so they get confused.
Its like riding the bus. There's nothing wrong with public transit, its just that its somewhere warm for poor homeless people to sit all winter, so its not very cool.
Public transport often is the best and most efficient way to move within a city where I live, or in places like London, Stockholm, Berlin or quite a lot of other European cities.
> Its a social class thing. Homeless people sit alone
Really? Anyone sitting alone is a homeless one? Anyone without a shitty Apple product is poor?
> Homeless people don't read
WTF. This one made me laugh out loud. You must not have had much contact to homeless people. I have had quite a few acquaintances in my lifetime being homeless, worked with them, did social work on the side. And I got to know so many different people with different interests. Yes, a few were the stereotypical homeless person depicted in mass media. A few were highly functional members of society, had a day job 9to5 - and still lived on the street. Many had read way more books than myself - and I am an avid reader.
What is it with this stereotyping of people.
Where do you live that reading a book will blow people's minds? I've been in many places and see people reading books and newspapers regularly and no thinks anything of it.
One of the reasons I don't see much value-added from meditation is that it seems like a ritualistic wrapper around something I already do and value: clearing one's head, quiet time without consuming visual stimulus and without brooding. We are prone to bombarding ourselves constantly and wonder why we're fatigued partway through the day.
I like to reserve the "thinking" component to journaling time, as that seems to help organize thoughts. Or else, do it while walking.
I don't know if the author is American but americanos are not an American thing so they are likely not in the US.
Certainly every coffeeshop here in Seattle has them and and I expect most do elsewhere too.
Espresso has taken over coffeeshops such that some won't also have drip coffee anymore and if that's what you want, an Americano is approximately how to get it.
Without phone it would be too cringe, even with phone its cringe. I behave as if though I'm texting someone. It's the societal weight of being the one who is alone.
Maybe you should treat cafes the same?
It's just different so their initial thought of it being awkward without further reflection is based on reality not some blown up fear.
I also say this as someone that has no trouble striking up conversations with strangers. So not like I barely go out.
What if you are going from A to B, but in the middle you go to a cafe to grab a coffee, and maybe wait a bit for your connection?
If I want to see a movie, I see a movie. If I want to travel, I travel.
Now with my last vacation I happened to be on the same continent as a long term friend who I hadn't seen in very long time. We met up, and it was like we were hanging out in college again.
But I had a great time traveling solo before that.
If you have the mentality that you need to be around your friends constantly you'll never try anything new.
> They are designed as meeting spaces. There is no table with a single chair.
I'm so confused by this, because every cafe I've ever been to is full of people there alone. It seems to almost be the default, honestly.
I really do not get the tendency to reduce everything down to one singular reason or cause. Is this a monotheistic religious thing? Is this a binary thing? I just can't wrap my head around this. But that might just be me - having originally studied literature and history (after graduating from high school with mainly stem subjects) I always felt I had one foot in each of those worlds - one in the "hard sciences" one more in the humanities. Never able to reduce myself to just one reason of being or one interest - and never able to attribute only one reason/meaning to a work of art.
So my long winded way of saying, that I just did not buy the premise.
Go to any coffee shop in Palo Alto and Menlo Park, and you're bound to see students and tech workers sitting alone, typing away on their laptops. Even in LA, you'll see people editing videos and posting stuff on social media.
I think it's perhaps very American to go to cafes alone, especially if you are going there to get work done. Anecdotally, I had a French tennis partner back in 2022. One time, after our match, we went to a neighborhood cafe to chat and talk about life. He remarked to me how strange and foreign it is that Americans work so hard. He finds it stupid, even off-putting, that people work in cafes, which to him is a place to relax and socialize. He used slightly stronger language than stupid, so I didn't have the heart to tell him I plan to work in a cafe later that day. Maybe it's just a cultural thing.
If you're not into bar life, it's not that easy to just have spontaneous conversion here. Any invasion of space is seen as odd at best and threatening at worst. Even for neighbors.
Cafés can be both of those spaces.
I'm probably an above averagely anxious person, but after a few trips without disaster, it becomes a non issue.
100%.
Exposure therapy is the cure for anxiety. I have a personal hunch that part of the massive rise in anxiety in the world is explained by many of us no longer being regularly forced outside of our comfort zones. Before the Internet and smartphones, we were obligated to go into the unknown much more often. It was a constant mandatory exposure therapy.
Today, I can't remember the last time I walked into a restaurant without already having seen the inside on Google Maps, read several reviews on Yelp, and perused the menu online.
Except when it is not. Exposure can make an autistic person's anxiety worse.
Exposure therapy can make sense if it always resorts in good outcomes but that’s the issue - bad things do happen. And sometimes bad things happen more often to those who are “needing” exposure therapy.
Just randomly doing shit that causes you stress isn't exposure therapy. It's just hazing yourself and rolling the dice as to the outcome.
> Exposure therapy can make sense if it always resorts in good outcomes but that’s the issue
I think you have an over-simplified notion of "good outcome" here.
It's not necessarily about achieving the goal of the action, it's about seeing that the catastrophizing scenarios in your head aren't based in reality. In the example with the ugly kid, if he's afraid that asking a girl out will lead to her laughing in his face and publicly humiliating him, then even simply being rejected with compassion is enough to thwart that catastrophizing.
But, of course, having him ask out every girl at the school is a terrible example of "exposure therapy". Strangers should not be used as unconsenting test subjects in one's personal therapy.
Another thing to try is to go to a diner alone. Same deal.
Oh yeah. This is one of the things I enjoy most when traveling for work (more often than not means traveling alone). I can go to dinner alone, watch people interact, feel the city, the people, the staff.
Discovering dinner alone to me was an interesting experience. And a lovely one at that.
A decade ago I was working a boring job paying the bills in a small company. I honestly felt that despite being financially safe I was wasting my life. I didn't believe in the company mission and I wasn't gaining new skills. I was bored out.
I went to a cafe every morning for 30min BEFORE my actual job. I did whatever I wanted, meaning reading, writing, jolting down ideas, being productive or not, but the point was it was MY time to think.
This is so basic. I went with a notebook, a pencil, paid 2€ every morning for a basic black coffee... but what was special was having a dedicated time and place regularly to just inch at it, whatever "it" might be for me.
Well, fast forward ~10 years and I'm HYPED. I'm so excited pretty much every morning that I can't help for the next day to work on more interesting projects.
TL;DR: yes, go to the cafe, alone, for yourself.
- embrace liminal spaces
We tend to see such spaces as waste. We tend to skip them. We use any trick possible, from rushing to having a mobile phone with a podcast. We find ways to avoid being alone with our thoughts.
Guess where ideas come from? Shower? Waiting for the bus? ... they come from our running minds NOT being entertained.
Embrace liminal spaces. Make your own liminal spaces. They are liberating.
- None of my colleagues, and nobody in any of my social circles, would ever be seen dead there
- You meet the best people, everyones really nice
- Nobody judges anybody, we're all just there go get a bit pissed, lots of people socialising, some people are there doing a crossword, I'm just a guy sitting on my laptop coding, nobody cares
- I can focus better with lots of background noise
- Cheap beer
If you've not tried it, try it!
Worth it though for ~£1.30 unlimited tea and coffee.
It's the sort of place you can go at 9am and see people having a full English breakfast with a large glass of wine. It's people who want to drink a lot of alcohol for not a lot of money, but not quite at the point where they're buying very cheap cider (which is always alcoholic in the UK), and sitting in the park with it. There's a veneer of high-functioning about it.
They do vary a bit (the "posh pub" in central Hull is the 'spoons, one of the roughest pubs I've been to in West London is also a 'spoons), but the clientele are typically white, working class, pro-Brexit (the founder is very anti-EU and publishes an in-house propaganda mag to that effect), pretty right wing, heavy drinkers.
It's not my preferred crowd, I'd rather spend a bit more and go to a pub where there's a chance somebody is reading something other than the Daily Mail or The Sun, but each to their own.
That's a massive stretch. In my experience, the common denominator with Wetherspoons is it's somewhere people go for the cheap drinks and food. You get people of different backgrounds, age ranges and political beliefs going to Wetherspoons pubs (including plenty of apolitical people). The only undeniably true statements is that Tim Martin was pro-Brexit and there was anti-EU material in the Wetherspoons magazine around the time of the Brexit referendum, but beyond that it's not an issue that's particularly high profile anymore, it's not part of daily conversation like it once was, many people have moved on from discussing it.
In the centre of the city there are three spoons. One for the people with tattoos on their knuckles (near the magistrates' court oddly - I used to pick up gossip in the barbers round the corner but he has been bought out so the building can be converted in to 'luxury apartments'), one for the old geezers with leather jackets and a third very large one opposite a conference centre. This latter one very well managed and always a seat. All kinds of people but never rammed.
I didn't read the book but I read The Book of Laughter and Forgetting. An eye-opener for a young college student.
Almost 6-7 years ago, I read about a 30min challenge to sit upright without doing anything in a chair challenge. That changed how I think about distractions. If I had written about it, there surely will be people who would just like here say... What is so crazy about it? I do that all the time...
To me, this post is someone's joy and curiosity shared through a well written piece. Everybody discover certain things at different stages of their lives. What's so bad about that?
Was able to bring a smile on my face. A good post. :)
This is a bit like excercise. When you first start, 30 minutes of exercise can be torture as your is out of shape and not used to the effort. Keep doing it and it feels better and you feel better.
Work on becoming a source of thoughts rather than a consumer of thoughts.
> Work on becoming a source of thoughts rather than a consumer of thoughts.
This is the classic “sounds deep but actually means nothing” vague statement that’s only meant to massage one’s ego and try to reenforce an unsubstantiated idea in a faux-philosophical way.
You are always “sourcing” thoughts even when “consuming”.
Being able to sit still, quietly without having to stimulate oneself is, by all means, exactly that: avoid stimulating oneself. Looking around and trying to come up with small stimulations based on your surrounding is merely replacing one object (say, your phone) with another.
Generally, I prefer just sitting quietly and not worrying about the definition of stimulation or whether I'm doing it correctly.
That said, I agree with you.
I had to sit still a lot as a child, since I wasn't allowed to have friends or go anywhere. I read a lot, but a lot of the time I was to tired or bored to read, so I'd just defocus my eyes, and disappear into my imagination. It would look like I'm reading, so I wouldn't get punished. In hindsight I'm not sure it's terribly healthy, as I now find it impossible to put up with boring people (which is basically everybody who has time to sit around chatting, almost by definition).
I also find it problematical to deal with people who live 'normal/standard' lives who are not curious about the world and how everything works. Being put in a conversation talking about sports, gossip, celebrities is intolerable for me.
I've come to accept (and I think some people here may resonate with) that this is can be a blessing or good filtering mechanism.
You're being judgemental to call them boring. Plus widening your opinions to be a "definition" sounds like an unhealthy worldview. You likely appear boring to others.
Then again I have a saying I use when anyone says they are bored - I say they are boring!
This is a very clever come back, I wonder if it might qualify as the best thought terminating cliché I've seen this year!
I never say I'm bored. The universe is too interesting a place to be bored. I did mean it, that most people, individually, are what I find boring. I'd rather withdraw into my mind and work on something interesting, whether it's about figuring something out, or trying to design something. The painful part is pretending to care long enough to get away without somebody getting butthurt.
The "almost by definition" is that the people I find interesting are usually busy doing interesting things, so the boring ones are the only regular people at social gatherings. I do not go to those anymore.
That is certainly the best back-handed compliment I have received in the last hour. Thank you. Your writing molests me.
> is that the people I find interesting are usually busy doing interesting things, so the boring ones are the only regular people at social gatherings.
That comes across to me as a refreshingly honest self-centred view.
You recall me of a friend who does contemporary dance as part of a troupe. I find them interesting - however I also find sewage plants and stink beetles interesting.
What's I'm trying to say is that finding people interesting (or boring) probably says more about you than it does about them.
The smartest people I know seem to be interested in everything. I often find people interesting for reasons I would find difficult to admit to them. I'm not that smart.
I find myself boring - contemptuous through familiarity?
And yeah, I'm rather cynical about "norms" too.
Time to find support that you trust and face whatever is going on under the hood.
For me, the three major turning points were quitting my job, later starting somatic therapy with the right therapist, and then finally getting diagnosed with ADHD. Good luck to you :) wish you the best
Which, to me, makes sense because you’re supposed to always be pushing yourself. You’re not supposed to ever feel comfortable or feel better from it. You should always feel shitty because if it doesn’t hurt then you’re probably not making optimal development.
The only thing I ever “feel” good about is purely a mental thing. Eg I hit a new PR (progress), didn’t skip a lift (perseverance), or whatever. The act of exercising itself is always painful and it’s why I always dread it.
I say this because my experience is very different from yours: I get a very perceptible "high" once I get into the rhythm of a good workout. Think mild euphoria, mood lift, and general feeling of "rightness" in my body once it's been well wrung.
This only happens if I'm in decent shape, though. If I've fallen out of shape it's a slog.
Edit: I can't remember the podcast, but I recall some discussion of emerging clinical evidence in exercise response variability along many dimensions that may help explain the disconnect.
There's no way I'm going to run for 2 years on the hope that one day it will stop hurting and get enjoyable.
There's also something to be said for seasons of maintaining a level of fitness rather than pushing for the next level!
https://stories.strava.com/articles/a-productive-weekly-trai...
this is almost certainly wrong - 100% balls to wall training will surely be suboptimal (on avg) to achieving most fitness goals - eg within a running training block there will generally be recovery and "general aerobic" runs which are easy in effort relative to the harder work in the block. These easy efforts are necessary to optimally achieve the desired physiological adaptations acquired through increased volume and "nailing" the hard workouts. The easier runs enable this by getting volume at lower risk of injury + conserving energy/will for the key workouts.
This also doesn't consider how important recovery is to optimal results (as in sleep, rest, self-care etc).
We are chaotic and beautiful bundles of dozens of trillions of cells that evolved over 4 billion years. We breath. We feel. We are alive. We aren't math problems that need to be "solved" or "optimized".
> Which, to me, makes sense because you’re supposed to always be pushing yourself. You’re not supposed to ever feel comfortable or feel better from it. You should always feel shitty because if it doesn’t hurt then you’re probably not making optimal development.
You are way too demanding of yourself my friend :(
Harder is not always better.
There's more to it like how to pick the weight, etc... but the perfect rep piece I really enjoyed.
Also late to the party, but creatine is the body and more importantly the brains friend too.
You end up hearing conversations more clearly, environmental noises you wouldn't normally hear and I find more clarity for the environmental area.
Also, a lot of folks think it's easy to do. Until you try it, that is.
I also remember reading somewhere around the lines of handling the chaos in your-self. Or controlling the chaos within yourself.
And always thought this exercise showed what that is about. (Sorry, forgot the expression. Been a while. It's definitely more nicely put than the above.)
I would say it is very enjoyable 30 minutes every time I do it. I don't think anyone would describe that kind of experience as hard to do?
Some would, especially the younger generation. Their attention span - or probably their brain chemistry - is strongly affected by constant stimulation, to the point where disconnecting from it causes anxiety and restlessness.
Not just the younger generation either, millennials are probably the first generation to be affected.
Those of us over 40 have already had plenty of this in our lives, it used to be such a common part of life! Waiting for appointments, waiting for the bus, etc. before smartphones. My first job had two hours between lunch and dinner service. I only had about 15 minutes of work during that time, so it was hour plus of almost entirely idle time every shift.
However, for each new scanning protocol, I like to have had it myself - so I know what the children go through. And, at times lying inside a MRI scanner, detached from the world, with only the noise of the scanner (very reduced with our new noise cancelling headphones), is almost meditative, and a welcome escape from the constant connection and pressures of being immediately available at work. Sounds like the writer achieves something similar in the coffee shop.
I get a break from constant availability from air travel, but that's slowly eroding as it becomes more connected.
Yes, my last transatlantic flight I caught up with a stack of email.
What works to get children to stay still though?
But for kids over 8, a nice long form video works well. That, and having enough time so that they don't feel like we're in a rush, but also not taking to long to load them onto the scanner...
For the younger ones, it's very much dependent on the child. So we take a bit of time to get to know them before we get them to attend. We have videos to prep them, and can follow a script when loading them (e.g. becoming an astronaut and blasting off into space...).
2-6 days of just riding your bike, eating, sleeping outside. Yeah it can be hard but nothing makes the MS Teams chime in the woods.
I've done more than that. Summer time I often swim in open water up to 2 hour at once as one of the ways to stay fit. Obviously it becomes routine and not very entertaining. So I usually doing some high level software design work in my mind at this point, exploring some concepts, thinking business ideas etc. etc. So my body does monotonous work of not very high intensity and my brain is busy with everything else. Not board at all.
I once spent 1.5 hour standing in a church listening to a priest for more than an hour (funeral). Same thing I mentally solved the problem why some piece of my code did not work.
Without this ability I would go nuts. My brain always has to be busy with something. It is like a drug for me.
After some struggle you will enter into a weird state that I think should be similar to what they achieve through meditation.
Not my cup of tea. But I do get your point.
I try and think about this often.
The overwhelming majority of humanity's problems, such as they might be described, stem from the biological drive to survive and procreate. The quip presupposes that man naturally has a room to sit quietly in; this is not the case. The procurement of a room to sit in requires a significant amount of effort. It can entail the securing of territory and building of the shelter oneself, or it can entail the education, advanced skill development, and daily labour required to pay to reap the results of other people having secured the territory and built the shelter. To say nothing of food, mating, and rearing of offspring.
Pascal was born well-to-do, so perhaps he was removed from the general human experience. He was provided with the room to sit quietly in by the efforts of others, and may never have had to work a day in his life, affording him the luxury to make that statement. He also did not marry or reproduce. If everyone had lived the life he lived, there would be no rooms to sit in and indeed no men to sit in them. Being charitable, I suppose it's true that if all mankind were to stop reproducing, there would shortly be no more problems for humanity on account of humanity no longer existing.
Pascal also stated...
> as we should always be, in the suffering of evils, in the deprivation of all the goods and pleasures of the senses, free from all the passions that work throughout the course of life, without ambition, without avarice, in the continual expectation of death
while going so far as rejecting medical care for an illness that eventually led to his death at a young 39. In other words, his attained enlightenment was suffering in the name of his religion to the point of dying. He certainly committed to his beliefs, but I don't find his form of enlightenment inspiring, and do not believe that humanity should strive to follow in his footsteps of fatal self-deprivation. The only way sitting quietly solves all of humanity's problems is if all of humanity commits to doing only that until they wither away and die without any pursuit of the things they need to survive. He framed it as giving up ambition and avarice, but even without ambition and avarice you will endure struggles merely to sustain yourself if you are not born into wealth. I, personally, am quite content dealing with those struggles and have no interest in solving them by dying prematurely as Pascal might prefer to do.
Yes, it's hyperbole, it literally will not get rid of all the problems but the ethos of the view is being conscious of your needs and your actions and you only truly get that by having the space to think. As opposed to just go go go and not taking a step back and implicitly treating your mind as a hostile place you need distraction from.
I'll throw in another quote that sits nicely with the Pascal quote, from Ursula Le Guin:
> Happiness is based on a just discrimination of what is necessary, what is neither necessary nor destructive, and what is destructive
just discrimination can only come from being comfortable to be with your thoughts, which can, but is not limited to, happen in a quiet room
The second quote does not comport with Pascal, because Pascal was not advocating for a path that led to internal happiness, but rather the abandonment of the desire for happiness altogether. He believed that suffering on Earth was the purpose of being Christian and would lead to salvation through God.
As a related aside, that's why I continue to find it odd that many people take their phones when they're using the bathroom. Just further limiting the few places (with the shower being #1) where circumstances does force your brain to review and assess like it clearly wants to do.
Nowadays when I'm feeding her or napping her I admittedly do have a phone behind her head, but I'll always cherish those two hours where it was just us two.
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/07/people-pr...
The mind finds entirely new areas of stimulation when it’s not being distracted or purely having sensory experiences.
Some of the negativity is because many people out there were used to this slower way of living only for capitalist techbros to optimize every waking moment everything and hasten the rat race.
So now the only people who can sit idly at a cafe would be those who've already have a few million in the bank. It's similar to the CEO goes to a yoga retreat in Bali (or Burning Man) trope to rediscover being part of society.
The sooner one realizes that working hard isn't the key to life the sooner one realizes you'll have plenty more time. If you get something out of working hard, like joy, sure go ahead. But dont lie to yourself and think that working hard will actually ever pay off.
I do not earn enough to ever afford a house without going into debt for the rest of my life. As long as I can afford a cheap place, one new book a month and a hot shower in the morning I am content with never owning anything. As thats the world all the "hard working" people shoved us into.
Well, it sounds like you're not american. You have trains to use and clean parks, for one. That's nice.
>The sooner one realizes that working hard isn't the key to life the sooner one realizes you'll have plenty more time.
We're given decreasingly less choices, sadly. Work hard and cheap or be unable to pay rent and be kicked to the streets. The Social network over here is so broken that many have zero safety net, in terms of both government and community. Let alone a new book and a shower (well, maybe you get a gym subscription. I've heard that as a "life hack" for homeless people).
As for relying on your democratic process: I hope you are right.
Imagine there are no more cheap places to rent anymore and American work culture invades Europe. Shops are no longer closed on Sunday, you're expected to be on call on weekends, and you have a paltry 14 days of vacation for the year.
I thought the same thing
- US citizen
When feeling too busy, I always make time to go to a sit at my local Vipassana center, spending an hour sitting actually frees up so much more time in my life that it's well worth it. Gandhi definitely had it right when he said "I have so much to accomplish today that I must meditate for two hours instead of one"
Inevitably when you're still with no distractions, your subconscious starts surfacing various thoughts. There is a random element to what pops into your head, but there will also be patterns. Just sitting there and observing, and maybe asking yourself a few questions about what emerges, is an incredible way to become aware of your emotional state, stay grounded to your goals, and remember what truly matters to you. This exercise frequently reorders my plans for the rest of the day.
There's also value in stillness when you're in public or with other people. Just shutting up and taking in your surroundings for 30-60 seconds is kind of like a mini superpower, you start noticing little things that other people don't see. Many of the little decisions you make automatically throughout the day get better if you just, y'know, sit there and think about them quietly for 1 minute. You end up going to a better restaurant, or remembering to call a loved one, because you simply took a moment to just pause and reflect.
It's the best thing in the world really. All this mindfulness stuff has profound benefits.
And you have the added benefit being to able to pick the god of your choice that resonates with you and recite their mantras.
It doesn’t mean I might not have a drink, but I’m aware it’s triggers a “get the poison out” response from my body.
Disengaging the prefrontal cortex is one thing, lowering the inhibitions and increasing emotional volatility in the rest of the brain is hugely different.
Those things can vary between people.
Understanding we chan shift our default mode network is critical.
Meditation actually increased the connection between areas like the amygdala and prefrontal cortex allowing you to have greater calm, focus while at peace minus the racing thoughts and emotions.
Having an overdeveloped amygdala is fairly common resulting in an under developed prefrontal cortex.
Luckily neuroscience is showing the past few years that neuroplasticity is available to everyone to continue improving for their entire life.
On this post specifically or HN on the whole? ;)
Quakers call this "silent meeting."
I wonder if the author’s use of “you” rubbed some people the wrong way: “You are alone and powerless. You encounter a deep challenge,” “When you let your thoughts wander, they take you on a journey you’ll never think possible,” etc.
The pronoun seems intended to refer to the author’s own experiences, but I can see why some readers might think it refers to them. I had a bit of a negative reaction to those “you”s myself, as I experience cafés very differently from the author.
I have a similar negative reaction to op-ed articles that use “we” to refer to some sort of personified zeitgeist. From some essays currently appearing in the Opinion section of the New York Times:
“We are all in a constant state of grief, even though we don’t always admit it.”
“But we spend much of our lives in weaker friendship markets, where people are open to conversation, but not connection.”
“Over the past six decades or so, we chose autonomy, and as a result, we have been on a collective journey from autonomy to achievement to anxiety.”
German also has "man" which almost directly translates to "one" (the pronoun).
In this case, the use of "we" is also funny, because the opening sentence is such an unusual take.
Too many folks scroll right past the opportunities.
> I decided to leave my phone at home
I used to do this too but soon I realized I wanted my phone for payments (say, coffee) and/or unlocking public bikes (like Lime).
Now I have 2 phones: - Phone A with my SIM, internet, payment cards, but unlogged from any internet account - Phone B, no SIM, usually connected to Phone A via hotspot, with email, messaging apps, logged into hacker news and everything.
When I want to take an offline walk/ebike-ride I only bring Phone A with me.
Fresh out the gate just wrong and confused.
I found myself annoyed.
I thought to myself "Are paragraphs a renewable resource? Is it wrong to waste them?"
It doesn't matter.
In neuroscience, there is a thing called the "default mode network" which is best known for being active when a person is not focused on anything in particular. The mind is awake, but at rest, like when you're daydreaming, bored, and have no goal oriented tasks. All sorts of neat stuff happens in this network, things like "shower thoughts", self reflection, autobiographical memories, thoughts about future goals and events, trying to figure out the people in your life -- their desires, intentions, emotions and thoughts. In boring situations like when I'm on the bus, or waiting in line for something, I'll spin it as an opportunity to spend time with the ole' default mode network. It's a good time observe people around you, as they're often completely engrossed in their devices. Occasionally I'll seek out other folks who are also chilling in the default mode network, and we'll sometimes share a knowing look.
For example, I read your first four sentences/paragraphs. When I got to your last paragraph, it was so long that I started skimming halfway and then just gave up.
I think a mix and match of small paragraphs and single line sentences for emphasis is a pretty good writing format for holding my attention, but I can see how others might be annoyed by it.
I think it is more suited to the ways people consume text these days, kind of like how digital platforms moved to sans-serif fonts. Long dense paragraphs are fine in books and newspapers but hard to read and don't flow right on web browsers.
Books have also always had sections of short paragraphs for dialogue or pacing effect. I find myself breaking my own writing into more succinct paragraphs/thoughts that start to feel like jumbled run-on sentences without line breaks.
There are many walks of life and some people are wired in ways that annoy us when they present themselves, or talk about themselves as this individual has. It is not only to elevate the mundane to the realm of the sublime, rather it’s to beat a profound lesson of life into us by proxy of whoever the characters are. Notice the shift from the friends, to I, to “you”. Notice the use of “you” in the blog post. You are being lectured. You need to be taught things that this individual just discovered, because you are clueless and they are wise. That is why you feel annoyed.
Whenever you hear someone using the royal “we” to lecture you, you’re always welcome to ask “who is we?”, because it’s appropriate to understand who is actually being discussed. This individual thinks that we are clueless and they are carrying the stone tablets to teach us. They have a long way to go.
If only there was a way to learn more about things you don’t know:
The Wal Mart plaza is only a mile away, but unfortunately its a fully uphill mile that has me going 200 feet in elevation. And in terms of cafe, it's simply a tiny corner Starbucks. The local joints are about 3 miles out east or west as a start.
My nearest park is 6-7 miles away, meanwhile. I don't know about going there for coffee, but it'd be a nice little bike route. My city does fortunately have quite a few dedicated bike paths as some solace against the usual car centric society.
It's not just the driving that sucks, but the ugly environment it created.
> I smiled. Every. Single. Time.
> On the second day, I randomly walked into a neighborhood café. I ordered an americano with a double shot of espresso.
And then I paid for the coffee with my pho- oh fuck.
I suspect this depends on the location, given this contrast. It seems the Author might be from Delaware, USA? I haven't been to any coffee shops there. Maybe this is an exception? Of interest, it does not match my experience in coffee shops elsewhere on the East Coast (Va, NC, Mass for example). Not my experience in various European countries as well.
I've seen a few cafes in the UK push back against this, in particular people who buy a drink and then sit at a laptop for hours. One I visited last week had a large table set aside for laptops and the rest were marked as laptop free.
Drifting is a way to push all that feedback in the background. It does not necessarily have to be a staycation at a cafe. It can be a walk in a park, a morning jog with a friend who's comfortable with your silence, a book reading session in the twilight. We need to slow down and relax to truly appreciate the pace of life, and drifting is such an awesome way to do it. Lovely post. It reminded me of good times in the past, and that I need to make time for them in future.
This is good enough for me. Yeah I have a family and a son, but I enjoy sitting alone with a cup of coffee (doesn't have to be in a Cafe), programming my own project.
As the article hints, sitting in a crowded place sometimes actually REDUCES distraction, because those white noise around me reduces the need to pull out my cell phone. I think I always perform better in such an environment.
It's everyone else with the incessant noise; non-stop music; speaker/video calls; and now AI talking back to you via phone. Speakerphones are the worst, I cannot believe we normalized having a two way conversation via speakerphone while holding it up to your ear.
I used to enjoy nature and just sitting and staring, with portable bluetooth speakers and phones blasting music, I can't do that anymore. I used to enjoy the library and just sitting, reading whatever random facts I could find. Last couple times I went, I was yelled at to mind my own business by people when I asked them to take their phone conversations to the lobby. So I went to another library, librarians were loud and several meetings via Teams were going on by different people.
Local rail trails are similar, I can't just take a walk in peace and quiet anymore. Honestly, removing the 3.5mm port is when I started noticing when it all got worse.
It's not normal, those people are rude.
i used to leave my copy of the weekend FT or the economist at one and there were people who would wait for me to be finished with it. others would have been reading it for months without knowing i was the one who supplied it.
friends knew where to find me and could show up and sit at my table for a bit on their way places. covid policies killed most of those cafes in my city, and nothing can replace a multi decade family run restaurant that anchored a neighbourhood. its part of why i don't forgive what happened. it was my culture they dismantled in their hysteria. i am glad nature is healing and younger people are learning how to be welcome and open to the serendipity of participating in the city. i was worried i was the last of the boulevardiers. get a book, turn off your phone, dont look at the prices and just sit somewhere for a while, eat and drink as much as you enjoy, and just be a quiet pleasant presence. the world rewards it.
What used to feel like 10 minutes between breakfast and lunch while working became a full-blown day. Even though I was spending two hours walking my dog instead of a 30-40 minute rush, it felt like an eternity"
My dog has a way of slowing down time, although he won't tell me how. I think as humans we know what we expect from this other species, but they have a way of reorganizing the walk to suit themselves. I do it largely to bond with my best bud and get some exercise. He on the other hand goes out to catch up on doggy social media, with endless sniffing and donating further smells. Every walk is different - the route's the same but the sensory part is constantly changing. All this takes place, silently. We go back home satisfied but I know my boi gets the most satisfaction from it!
Grating.
That's why it was so nice when I recently found a nice little mom-and-pop cafe that was quiet. I can't remember if there was music, but if there was, it was very quiet. Again, my partner was at a meeting, but this time I just sat and enjoyed my latte with no damage to my ears. I probably did look at my phone a few times. :)
And most thankfully are in my area (just don't go to the one near schools on weekdays). Really hope it stays that way.
There is nothing wrong with it.
I think that many people feel like their lives suck in some way that they can't define or explain, and they want something to blame it on, and their phone is an excellent target. It's relatively new. Of course it's the source of recent problems. It's CONVENIENT. You can do something about it by simply not looking at it.
Your phone is not the source of any of your problems.
They will blame anything but the billionaires.
But to be a devil's advocate: I think most phone issues arise from a child's use of them. They don't have the discipline to put a phone down, and then it enshrines habits that last into adult hood. Gen Z is the testing grounds for such a phenomenon.
Sadly, working adults who need to chat with work, get calls for interviews, schedule and get updates on appointments, and check on family do need to have their phone on the ready. I don't think anyone is condemning the people here. Just the system.
And of course,culture.30 years ago, if your kid got hurt you wouldn't be considered an ignorant parent if the school took an hour to get a hold of you on a phone. They may even call your work and have that relayed over to you. Now, good luck even having the chance to speak to a human that can receive the message, let alone relay the message to the right branch and team to you.
When I take a picture, I get the luxury of immediately see what I got. When I wanted to hear some music, I can search it up, and hear an entire album in a question of seconds.
It's an incredible privilege to do that, but at the same time, we got so used to speed, that pausing can be new for us.
This year I had the opportunity to travel to Europe and just sit in a café, sipping coffee, just observing, and it also felt new and different for me.
I shot with an analogue camera because I enjoy the feeling of waiting for the results, not being able to see the results at the split of a second.
This blog resonates with me because I've been feeling I want to pause more, to create more memories, to be in the moment. I should go to a café without phones and a notepad.
Your comments make me glad I spent a childhood having to use analog phones to connect to the information superhighway - much pausing and reflection involved.
I guess we’ve come full circle with the spend of our societies, when we have a new generation rediscovering how to pause.
I love lingering in cafés. In the summer, I bike from café to café, catching up with my reading and slowly getting to a productive state. I'll do a bit of reading for work, maybe annotate some articles, eventually open my laptop, and if I'm lucky meet friends along the way. I often leave at 9 and come home at around midnight.
If I'm feeling lazy, I just do it on my balcony. Spending the first hour of the day just gathering your thoughts does wonders for your wellbeing. This winter, I created a space for this inside too. I recently got a nice stereo and I put easy listening music on it while I have my morning coffee. No phone, no emails, just me, my thoughts and a warm drink.
When I travel, I do the same. I sketch and make watercolours on the go. I've done this in dozens of countries, and not once have I got the impression that being on your own in a café was odd. What a weird take.
Very related: https://tomaguir.substack.com/p/how-to-waste-a-morning-prope...
Are you in a top tier city? Very very few cafes are open late (later than 8pm) in cities and if youre not in a big city, Chicago, NYC, Seattle etc etc you will likely have none open that late. It's definitely a culture thing. Not many folks are drinking coffee / hanging out that late in cafes. Enough do, but nowhere near as much as Europeans do
I was born and raised in Canada. I manage to keep up my routine just fine when I visit. Sure, the cafes are in the middle of a parking lot by a box store, but in a pinch they'll do.
This is hardly a "top tier city" thing. I went on many road trips and pretty much always managed to start my day with a slow coffee, even in the smallest towns.
"It was pure delight. Every element. Or rather, the non-existence of any element. No phone. No headphones. No tablet. No laptop." I believe I can do this anywhere.
They talk about interactions with people in the cafe but it is primarily avoiding interactions.
Because at the same time they themselves sound entrenched in it by making an effort to take a step back and appreciate something as simple and normal as sitting alone in a cafe.
Some of my most interesting moments have come from simply sitting still and doing nothing.
Highly recommended.
This is written not by a human. Because almost every other coffeeshop has tables with a single chair.
> There were a few moments I put my hand into my pocket to take out my phone to look up something I was curious about. My phone wasn’t there.
That is the level that smartphone addiction is on. Literally ruining peoples lives.
It was absolutely glorious. I got to think my own thoughts, get bored, get into conversations with random people.
I should do it more often.
OP is considering going off social grid as they understand it ... OK, dumping doom-scrolling and sitting in a cafe alone and being obviously alone and then looking around and noticing things.
That sort of "interaction" used to be normal. Having a billion people within ear shot was not normal until about 15 years ago.
Certainly not with pen and paper. Lol that skill gone these days can't write a sentence I can read later.
Solution: I bring along a flask and use the paper cup as a cup and flask as cache. Means I lose the discount offered on byo but doesn't matter.
There are three classes of people likely to be found alone:
* Geniuses.
* Psychopaths.
* Psychopathic geniuses.When I discovered the whole "doing things alone" stuff a decade ago, it felt like a pressure was lifted off me. It's been good. It brings me extra joy when I take people to places that I frequent as well, it just feels like I'm introducing them to my own little spots. Hope you enjoy more of it!
On the second day, I decided to leave my phone at home, so
I lived those two hours to the fullest. I didn’t take any
device that could connect me to the internet or to other
people.
Same goes for not caring about what people in think when you're trying to work on your health and go to a gym.
I don't know, it just feels really bad, no one wants to be treated badly, it's that simple. But if you can manage to find a good spot where it just works out for you, treasure/keep that.
Solitude is precious when it is done with purpose.
What is that exactly? A cup of percolator coffee with a double shot of espresso into the cup? Or a long black (a double shot of espresso filled up with hot water) plus two extra espresso shots? Or just a long black expressed in a complicated way?
Presumably this. Coffee terminology is (apparently) not global. I've never seen the term "long black", and I visit cafés quite a lot. Wikipedia lists it as a thing primarily in Australia/New Zealand.
This reminds me of a experience that I encountered in my own life that i wish more people felt when explaining. I am not the best at telling stories but i will try to keep it short.
There was a time i lived in Florida for a few years and it was joyous i must say. I love nature and Florida sure does have that to offer, ignoring the politics and the obstacles that take the joy out of Florida. I visited many national parks, exploring animals That i have never seen before that are native to that region, i cant put into words how wonderful it is to see some of these animals living in their habitat going about their business. One thing that stuck out was when i was walking a trail and came across a small box turtle crossing a trail and i picked up to see it not thinking of why it might be crossing away from water, first i thought doesn't thing need to be around water shortly after i realized that it does not " it is a box turtle". I returned the turtle a little further away from where i originally picked it up and sat on a near by bench to watch it continue it's journey. As i sat down the turtle continued to stare at me at disgust as to how dare i touch it and move it from its original location. From there i see the turtle continue walking and returned to the same exact path it was already going before it's interruption from the degenerate up right ape evolved clothed creature , myself. i think about that everyday because despite all of it's interruptions it ignored all of that and continued the slow path towards its goal. At times I think we really don't understand the world nor the reality that is around us, some more than others, some due to the influx of societies pressure that are at times blinders for a horse to on one path.
Marcus Aurelius likely quipped about pompous resorts during one of his many four day public holiday visits to Alsium (a pompous seaside resort town), although he was known to write at length about the work he did on holidays rather than the time he spent on the beach.
As for retirement .. not a thing for Marcus. He died* age 58 in his military quarters while on active tour of Roman provinces (in either Austria or Serbia apparently).
Also, the reason people feel comfortable with dogs is because, you don't need to act or talk in way to impress the dog, while technically not being alone. You don't get this freedom while being with people, unless you are the boss of the gang. The lack of freedom is usually offset of by the benefit of sharing, laughs and a feeling that you have achieved your goal of impressing others.
No it’s simpler than that:
1) sitting alone - you’re a weirdo
2) sitting doing nothing public, staring off into space like you’re a zen master - no, you’re a weirdo
3) blogposting how you sat alone in a public space for 30 minutes and how this is an “unbearable joy” - do I need to spell it out?
This person needs help. They are having an episode. If someone has gone so far as to have this level of emotional outburst by leaving their phone at home, there’s deeper issues to unpack.
For the rest of us, sitting down at the cafe to have a nice drink and something to eat while we look at the cars and foot traffic going by is a perfectly normal activity.
Not at all. I've never been a huge cafe person, so I don't have much firsthand experience with this, but I do recall a time before laptops and cell phones when people would go to cafes to just read the newspaper or a magazine. Heck, some cafes even had the daily paper there for you to borrow if you wanted.
Then I switched jobs and ended up in Canary Wharf. For those who don't know it, Canary Wharf is a newly built finance district in the London Docklands. If you've been to Singapore, Dubai, La Defense in Paris or Songdo in Korea, you know the kind of place. Everything is clean, new, modern. Everything has 90 degree angles. Everything has cameras, security guards and cleaning stuff. What it doesn't have is any resemblance of a real city, any organicity or soul.
I hated it. Every morning I saw the streams of suite dressed worker drones pouring from the tube directly into their office towers (Canary Wharf has a huge underground shopping mall/railway station that allows you to go from the subway directly into your office without ever seeing the sun).
I was unhappy. So I did similar things to the OP. I got up earlier and walked there. (I lived in Mile End). It was a nice walk along the canal for a while and then a not so nice walk through smog and traffic, but I didn't mind. I took my lunch outside on the remaining docks. And finally, I got up so early that I arrived an hour before work began.
I spent this hour in a Cafe. Alone. Having breakfast. I loved this hour. I sat there, as the only one not rushing in, getting their "strong capo", beeping their card against the reader and rushing out. I observed the grey and black dressed stream of people. I day dreamed.
It helped - for a while. It was a band aid before I left London all together and moved to Berlin. But most of all, it is a uniquely calm and joyful experience. It decelerates you. The boheme in Paris or Prague has long figured this out. Sit in a cafe. Enjoy a coffee or a glass of wine. Look at people. Daydream. Reflect, be enough - there's a lot to it.
That isn't alone though. People are anxious to sit alone in a cafe because they think it's weird being all alone. But when you're with a dog - it's a different story.
Go listen :)
d--b•18h ago
I sit alone in cafes all the time, for many reasons. I don’t feel particularly joyful about it nor weird. I just do it to take a break and have something to drink, or wait for someone or something. Often I don’t look at my phone at all. That doesn’t feel weird either, or rebellious, or whatever the author experiences.
I don’t understand the post at all.
I’d have gone to Japan. I’ve been to Japan, it’s awesome.
soared•18h ago
badlibrarian•18h ago
qweiopqweiop•18h ago
When you're so addicted to checking at your phone (like me and many others), it does feel weird to sit and not look at it.
I say this to help you understand, nothing more.
munificent•16h ago
Two people can go to the exact same venue, do the exact same things, and have radically different experiences because of how our different internal worlds collide with that same external world.
And a further part of the magic of being human is that we're then able to share those experiences with each other. I wouldn't want to diminish someone else's experience of a place simply because I didn't have that same experience.