>My children hate losing, and these games have n−1 losers for every n players.

I just stumbled across an answer to this; I bought a foosball table -- since each side has 4 knobs -- you can do 2 v. 1 -- put the children on a team against you. Then I started looking around for other 2 v 1 games -- tennis is one -- but I'm interested in boardgames/videogames that are 2 v 1 - please link if you know any

>>There are also literally zero decisions for the players to make

If OP is reading this, 'Sorry' is a fast-paced game with surprising amount of strategic depth.