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Tell HN: Regrets. Think carefully about how you spend your time

114•anonymous_ibex•2h ago
I'm writing this 38 hours before I go into a surgery on Monday that I may not survive, and while I am told I have a better than 50/50 chance of making it to this time next year, I still feel, though I am too young (early 50s) to deal with these things, that I have wasted too much time. I'd like to impart some lessons.

1. A small number of accomplishments really mean something, but you often won't know which ones. I started three companies and two were successes, and even though they comprised more than two decades of my life, I feel like I remember a grand total of six important hours between them. Meanwhile, I still remember the shed I built for my father in the first summer after college. Whatever seems unimportant, you will care about the most.

2. The thing you do today, you will probably do tomorrow. I've wasted a lot of time, but most people I know have wasted lots of time, and it's because of the tendency to make an exception of the present day, which either excuses laziness or pathological busyness, which is a form of the same thing. "I'll do it tomorrow." But tomorrow it will be today. It's always today.

3. Ethics matter. I don't believe there's any life after this one, but I find myself ruminating on what I've done. In 2015, I had a lot of interaction with a startup incubator you know well, and ended up sitting in the discussions and planning around banning and erasing a young programmer we considered a threat to our financial interests, due to his concerns about authoritarianism in technology. In retrospect, he was harmless, but an example had to be made. The decision was made to ban him here, try to get him fired though I don't know if we succeeded, and attack him with sockpuppets on Reddit, and it seems to have worked because you don't hear his name much.

Ten years later, I'm still stuck thinking about this. Am I the kind of person who does shitty things? I was. Am I still? How would I even know?

I don't believe that faith is an out, or that you can apologize or donate your way out of past behaviors. You will always be the person who has done what you have done.

4. Be kind to animals. There are few joys like having a dog. I always refused when my ex-wife wanted one, and she got one after we separated. For her, it was probably an upgrade.

5. I developed a knack for founding companies, but I never learned how to build communities. They aren't the same thing. You might have three hundred people at your company and you truly feel like they are your village, but they're not. Circumstances will change, and people will move, and in five years, most of them will not remember your name.

That's probably enough for now. My mind goes between periods of racing and long spells of languid acceptance. All humans end up in the place where I am, and I hope you reach it with fewer regrets than I have.

Comments

toomuchtodo•2h ago
Godspeed. Wishing you a favorable outcome and more time ahead. We can’t change the past, we can only learn from our mistakes and try to do better in the future. We win or we learn. Appreciate you candidly sharing your thoughts.
nis0s•1h ago
> In 2015, I had a lot of interaction with a startup incubator you know well, and ended up sitting in the discussions and planning around banning and erasing a young programmer we considered a threat to our financial interests, due to his concerns about authoritarianism in technology. In retrospect, he was harmless, but an example had to be made. The decision was made to ban him here, try to get him fired though I don't know if we succeeded, and attack him with sockpuppets on Reddit, and it seems to have worked because you don't hear his name much.

You should set this right while you still can. God or the afterlife isn’t a reason to try and be less shit. The reason is that our shit accumulates and makes a hellish cesspool on Earth if we don’t. Good luck.

reneberlin•1h ago
Get a dog ASAP after recovering and don't look back. Mark my words and send the first pics with the puppy after you recovered elegantly.

Of course you will make it, and if not, you wont care anyway. You'll make it. I'll wait for the pics.

PS: But take that existential eye-opener serious and use it (you might later forget and drift from that in everyday-default-mode). You could print and frame this post to make it unforgetable.

nrhrjrjrjtntbt•6m ago
Get a dog. If you can and are willing to look after the dog for 15 years, be willing to train it well in the first 10 months, prepared for cost and vet bills etc. etc. I wouldnt want a puppy when in recovery unless someone else is fully looking after him.
myko•1h ago
Personal growth is a great goal and it looks like you've done that throughout your life. Hope things go well.
opengrass•1h ago
Remember that when you leave this earth, you can take with you nothing that you have received, only what you have given: a full heart, enriched by honest service, love, sacrifice and courage.
ChrisMarshallNY•54m ago
> Ten years later, I'm still stuck thinking about this. Am I the kind of person who does shitty things? I was. Am I still? How would I even know?

These are the kinds of questions I’m pretty familiar with. It’s entirely possible to reset, but it takes work and courage.

Good luck!

gtest•50m ago
I hope for your recovery, and that you will be able to live a long and fulfilling life. However, I want to challenge you with one thing:

> Ethics matter.

> I don't believe there's any life after this one...

> I don't believe that faith is an out, or that you can apologize or donate your way out of past behaviors.

Why would it matter if there is no life after this one? If there is no life after this one, maybe you should just "get over it".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqNTT0E_T70

elemdos•40m ago
Even without believing in a life after this one, a lot of people seem to find immense value in living ethically/morally for its benefits in this life: a clear conscience, building trust, strengthening relationships, etc.

Even though life can be cruel, there seems to be an overarching goodness built into the universe that benefits those who float in its current.

roxolotl•38m ago
Because other people matter and building a caring and just society means we’ll all get further in the one life we have. If you require the threat of eternal punishment to do the right thing and be a good person I’d question if you truly are.
endgame•36m ago
> Why would it matter if there is no life after this one? If there is no life after this one, maybe you should just "get over it".

Because for as long as we are capable of caring, we should care that other people have to live with the consequences of our actions.

venturecruelty•18m ago
Some people don't need a deity to treat others the way they would like to be treated.
divbzero•50m ago
The decision was made to ban him here, try to get him fired though I don't know if we succeeded, and attack him with sockpuppets on Reddit, and it seems to have worked because you don't hear his name much.

Ten years later, I'm still stuck thinking about this. Am I the kind of person who does shitty things? I was. Am I still? How would I even know?

Corporations and governments often get flak for doing shitty things, but ultimately it’s still people within those corporations and governments doing shitty things. “Just doing my job” is not really a legitimate shield to hide behind and I give OP credit for recognizing this even if a bit late.

Thanks for sharing the advice and best wishes with the surgery.

joshcsimmons•7m ago
Recognition is cheap without implementing a fix.
binary132•47m ago
I will pray for you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Hindsight is 20/20. I often try to think of the Last Things and I do think it helps me keep perspective a bit. Hoping you have many more opportunities to create good and to find peace. Metanoia is real!
ernie97•33m ago
Good luck. Recoveries are hell too. Buck up for that too.
ernie97•33m ago
Good luck.
dkga•33m ago
Wishing you a good recovery and a long life to have fun and to pass on your learnings
smitty1e•29m ago
> 3. Ethics matter. I don't believe there's any life after this one

Serious, non-troll question: why bother?

If there isn't any scope outside of the current perceived existence, and we're all so much "smart dirt", then the difference between kindness and malevolence seems moot.

Note: I do subscribe to an explicit meaning to life, so this is posed more to express bewilderment at the alternative than reveal any anxiety on my end.

cootsnuck•22m ago
I personally don't think belief in an afterlife should be necessary to believe it's worthwhile to not be shitty to people.

"What goes around comes around" suffices for me.

Call it "ethics", call it "maximizing outcomes for all involved stakeholders", call it "karma", "good business", or "kindness"...whatever you call it, I don't think it's difficult to find your own personal justification for it if you want to.

anothereng•29m ago
If you want to know the key to Heaven is asking God for forgiveness for your sins with the intention of becoming better. Repent and believe in the Gospel, go to the traditional Latin mass if you can
klipklop•26m ago
> had a lot of interaction with a startup incubator you know well, and ended up sitting in the discussions and planning around banning and erasing a young programmer we considered a threat to our financial interests, due to his concerns about authoritarianism in technology. In retrospect, he was harmless, but an example had to be made.

Don’t think for a second saying this so vaguely atones for what was done. You have a 50% chance of dying yet you will hide the names of the people that did this still? I still think you have an ethics problem…

I hope the best for you and your future though. There is room to still grow.

venturecruelty•21m ago
Ruins some innocent man's life, shows up to the forum of the likely-incubator wanting back pats for feeling sorry. Unreal.
satisfice•25m ago
I’m sorry you have to go through this. Of course it doesn’t matter what I feel or think. I’m a random stranger…

Except I’m another human of your kind who found this post. It moved me. So there is meaning in your suffering that goes beyond you and reflects in someone else’s experience.

We are all doomed, but at least we can see each other along the way, clap hands and cry “we lived!”

I hope you pull through.

NetOpWibby•24m ago
The decision was made to ban him here, try to get him fired though I don't know if we succeeded, and attack him with sockpuppets on Reddit

I was on the receiving end of similar treatment for several months on StackOverflow. It made me angry but eventually I just accepted and kinda felt bad for the people doing it. Your admission makes it seems like it wasn't worth it.

Hope the surgery works out in your favor.

venturecruelty•22m ago
>In 2015, I had a lot of interaction with a startup incubator you know well, and ended up sitting in the discussions and planning around banning and erasing a young programmer we considered a threat to our financial interests, due to his concerns about authoritarianism in technology. In retrospect, he was harmless, but an example had to be made. The decision was made to ban him here, try to get him fired though I don't know if we succeeded, and attack him with sockpuppets on Reddit, and it seems to have worked because you don't hear his name much.

Jesus Christ, dude. I'm going to be honest with you. While I feel bad for you in your current state, this is a pretty disgusting thing to have done. Have you tried to make any of it better? I mean, you could name this programmer (assuming that wouldn't make it worse), and you could definitely name the incubator and everyone involved in this decision. I'm guessing this kind of thing is quite common.

If you just want someone to tell you that it's okay, I'm not going to be the one to do that. Be as sorry as you want, but what have you done to make it better for him? Even part of this post reads a bit patronizing ("In retrospect, he was harmless..."). Not "this was intrinsically wrong and we shouldn't have done this", just "he wasn't even a threat to take down". My God, dude.

I wish you well because there are vanishingly few humans I wish to see truly suffer. If you make it, I hope you work towards righting the wrongs you've done.

dormo•21m ago
Is the "young programmer" you mentioned Jacob Appelbaum?
JuniperMesos•19m ago
> 3. Ethics matter. I don't believe there's any life after this one, but I find myself ruminating on what I've done. In 2015, I had a lot of interaction with a startup incubator you know well, and ended up sitting in the discussions and planning around banning and erasing a young programmer we considered a threat to our financial interests, due to his concerns about authoritarianism in technology. In retrospect, he was harmless, but an example had to be made. The decision was made to ban him here, try to get him fired though I don't know if we succeeded, and attack him with sockpuppets on Reddit, and it seems to have worked because you don't hear his name much.

There's something a bit odd about confessing that you were part of an institutional attempt to cancel a specific person, without naming the person or what their specific concerns were, or what specific institution this was; and also claiming that the reason you regret this now is because they were "harmless" rather than "correct".

Someone who in 2015 was concerned about "authoritarianism in technology" possibly came from a cluster of political perspectives that is relatively close to my own; and also possibly came from a cluster of political perspectives that I am relatively opposed to. It's hard to tell which from just that wording and the fact that someone with institutional power in 2015 wanted to cancel them.

I'm certainly curious for more details about exactly what happened here. I imagine it would compromise your anonymity to say more, and depending on the details it might even be bad for that person.

joshcsimmons•7m ago
Something disturbingly similar happened to me in 2015. It took me a LONG TIME to build my life back after that. There are STILL certain opportunities that are off limits to me and likely always will be.

I’m pretty sure I know who you are.

hnthrowaway0328•9m ago
Good luck!

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